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The Tool: Knowing Your Blind Spots |
| What It Is? |
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The final critical factor in reading
people right is our blind spots.
The study of blind spots is the most
intensely psychological and
introspective of the four factors.
In general terms, a blind spot involves
a subject about which one is ignorant or
prejudiced, and fails to exercise good
judgment. In terms of making smart relationship devisions, we mean it in a
specifically psychological sense, as a
personal tendency, way of thinking, or
perception that fails to take reality
into consideration. Blind spots are due
to personal distortions, and are in turn
usually based on our personal
experience.
Blind spots leave us open to all sorts
of errors, sometimes, ruinous ones.
Usually everyone but us can see
the trouble we're about to get into. And
they're usually repetitive. How
many times did you make the same mistake
in choosing a lover? How many times the
same mistake with a boss, a job
choice, or dealing with your financial
life? If you noticed a pattern, you saw
what happens when your blind spot is
active.
Blind spots are as varied as people’s
issues. Any list of them is too short.
We can fall for the “wrong type” of
person; think people are good when they
are bad; depend on them when we
objectively have no reason to; maintain
a relationship in hopes of them
changing; identify with part of them
that we wished we had, therefore letting
them take advantage of us; allow
ourselves to get sucked into their
narcissism or craziness; be seduced by
them for reasons of greed or lust; and
many more.
The blind spots that do us the most
damage usually, if not always, exist as
proxies for some piece of unfinished
business from our own past, usually with
our own parents or some other aspect of
our early lives (before we could put
feelings and events in perspective). An
objectively dumb action can feel
entirely automatic and normal; therefore
it’s not surprising that we make the
same mistakes over and over again!
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Why It's Important |
Far from being rare occurrences, blind
spots come up often in the attempt to
read people. This is often because,
without realizing it, we may have
problems with that particular
person because of the blind spot.
The more we are at a loss to understand
what decision to make about someone,
especially when we've gathered a lot of
information, the more likely it is that
we have a blind spot about them.
Understanding and removing personal
blind spots is so important that if
not taken seriously, at least half the
time the effort to read people right
will fail, no matter how much work we do
in the other three areas. Blind
spots will cause us to defeat ourselves!
Blind spots need to be understood in
depth, and recognized in action as we go
on. We must get to know our own
weakest, blindest parts with respect
to who we choose to be involved with.
Otherwise they can continue to distort
our decision-making and wreck our lives.
The good news is that even the simple
recognition that a blind spot
exists can be a huge help in keeping us
out of trouble, just as a road sign
saying “Danger, Bridge Out” can keep us
from plunging over a cliff: we don't
have to be engineers to save ourselves!
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How We Use It |
There are two steps to removing blind
spots. The first is to notice
them. A good way to start is to take the
short
blind spot test on this site. Or
we can simply ask the free-form
question, “what mistakes do I keep
making with people?” Once we see the
pattern, we can move on to ask the
second question: “how did I get addicted
to acting this way?” Usually, though not
exclusively, the incidents that set the
pattern took place in our early years.
Good news! It's easier to understand our blind spots than it may seem. That’s because the mistakes
hurt, so we're usually more or less
aware of them, even if it's after the
fact. Once we search for the first
incident in the string, it's usually not
long before the light turns on and we
understand how we got addicted to making
mistakes with people. Occasionally we
may need to talk to a friend about this.
Others can often see our blind spots
when we can't. If they can't help, a
targeted consult with a professional is
well worth the time and money.
When people do a relationship decision consult with me,
sometimes the simple recognition of what
their blind spot has been is enough to
unblock them and essentially fix the
problem. They're done. Other times, they
need to understand more elements
of themselves and the other person before the blind spot goes away.
People sometimes are so
fascinated by the understanding of a
blind spot that they want to know more.
They go on to explore their own history
and functioning in depth.
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