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Frequently
Asked Questions |
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What is the smart relationship
decisions (SRD) program?
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What's so different about
relationship decisions? Aren't they just like any
other decisions?
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How does the SRD program differ from
other approaches to relationship decisions?
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What are the cornerstones of the SRD
program?
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What use is the SRD program in
practical, daily life?
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What situations does the SRD program
apply to?
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What use is the SRD program in my
personal life?
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What use is the SRD program in my work
life?
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Is the SRD toolkit some universally
applicable, “one size fits all” system that promises
instant results?
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Are you trying to abolish all bad
relationship decisions? Isn't making them part of
the human condition? Aren't they necessary so that
we can learn how to make good ones?
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What can SRD really show us about
people?
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Does SRD really work?
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Can I learn it? Can I do it on my own?
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What skills do I need to make smart
relationship decisions? Do I need to be a good judge
of character? A good communicator?
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Don't we make smart relationship
decisions naturally?
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Why do people make the same bad
relationship choices again and again?
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How is an
SRD consult different from a psychological consult?
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Have you
discovered some magical approach that makes
understanding people effortless and quick?
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Is the SRD
program based on science?
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Isn't this
kind of study a form of voyeurism? Aren't we
intruding on others?
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What is the Smart Relationship Decisions (SRD)
program?
The
Smart Relationship Decisions program helps us
understand whether to accept people into our lives,
and whether to keep them in our lives if they are
already there. It concerns both our business and
personal lives. The SRD program focuses on four
different, discrete aspects, both external and
psychological. SRD is most useful for understanding
people who can't or do not want to be known, under
conditions of short time and inadequate data. These
are the real life conditions we all struggle with,
every day of our lives.
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What's
so different about relationship decisions? Aren't
they just like any other decisions?
People and non people-related decision making shares
some factors. They both require that we define
problems properly, understand what we're trying to
achieve, understand consequences, and, perhaps most
importantly for the people realm, understand the
place of uncertainty and risk in the decision making
process.
However, human beings introduce maddening
uncertainty and complexity into what is otherwise a
fairly straightforward process. In non-people
decision making, the object of the process is
relatively neutral: if we're choosing between, say,
houses, or careers, there may be uncertainties, but
those are usually limited to a few standard
questions with fairly delimited, understandable
answers. By contrast, if people are the object of
our decision making, we may not even be able to
frame the questions, much less the answers. People
often behave idiosyncratically and oddly, on an
individual basis. They are confusing, moving
targets.
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How does the SRD program differ from other
approaches to relationship decisions?
Most approaches to relationship decisions are
limited by their reliance on a single approach
(usually psychological versus reality based)
resulting in the use of the wrong tools to solve a
particular problem.
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What are the cornerstones of the SRD program?
The SRD program was developed by “reverse
engineering” the process of our decision making
about people. The four elements of SRDs are: the
basics of reading peoples’ verbal and non-verbal
behavior; the application of this information to
personality and emotional dysfunction; the gathering
of both hard and soft data about the subject; and
the understanding of personal blind spots, not of
the subject but of the questioner. If these tools
are used, at the proper times and in the proper
sequence, most subjects can be understood, and their
actions predicted, to a greater or lesser degree.
This allows us to make the best possible decision
about whether to be or stay with a given individual,
and shows us how best to handle them if we must
remain in a relationship we would not now choose.
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What use is the SRD program in
practical, daily life?
SRD is fundamental to our success. It can both
maximize the likelihood of success in our work and
personal lives, and help us stay out of serious
trouble. Imagine your best people decisions. Suppose
you made many more of them. How much joy would that
have brought you? Now imagine the worst people
decisions. Suppose you had not made them! How would
your love life, your relationships, your work life,
your financial life, have benefited if you hadn't
made them?
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What situations does the SRD program apply to?
Many of the principles of the SRD program apply to
any and all relationship decisions. However, the SRD
approach is particularly useful in situations where
the information we have is insufficient:
- We
cannot ask the subject to answer our question
about them.
- We
cannot ask the subject to take a test that will
provide an answer.
- It is urgent that we understand the
subject and therefore what to do.
- We are short of time,
and we must make
immediate decisions concerning the
person.
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What use is the SRD program in my personal life?
Correctly applied, SRD techniques allow us to find
lovers, friends, and spouses who will help, not hurt
us, and with whom we will have mutually satisfying
relationships. SRD can help us understand both
family members with whom we have lived for years,
and people we meet once or periodically, in any
circumstance. Most of us, much of the time, plunge
ahead with other people, without assessing just what
we’re getting into. SRD allows us to know what we’re
doing, often in real time, and take corrective
action, either by refusing or abandoning a bad
relationship, changing our approach to a neutral
one, or embracing one that has real potential for
fulfillment.
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What use is the SRD program in my work life?
Ever had a boss, or an employee you didn’t know how
to handle? What about a partner who turned out to be
incompetent or a crook? Did you ever want to get
into the mind of a competitor? There are dozens of
situations, often very leveraged ones, that we face
on the job. If we know how to do more then “size up”
the people we’re dealing with “on the fly”, and
instead learn to evaluate them thoroughly, we’re
less likely to make bad relationships in the first
place, and more likely to handle ongoing business
relationships so as to yield better business
positioning and ultimately more money in our
pockets.
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Is the SRD toolkit some universally applicable, “one
size fits all” system that promises instant results?
No. I've found those don't work, especially in the
kind of real life situations we're dealing with
here, where the subject simply can't or won't tell
us what we need to know. Usually we pretend that the
easy answers or systems will work, since we like to
feel in control. The SRD approach is more realistic,
and ultimately more useful. There is no promise of
universal applicability or success, and it only
occasionally yields instant insight. There is no
elegant algorithm. Instead, the SRD program uses the
skills we already have to deliver real, extensive,
and enduring knowledge.
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Are you trying to abolish all bad relationship
decisions? Isn't making them part of the human
condition? Aren't they necessary so that we can
learn how to make good ones?
I'm trying to help people make fewer bad
relationship decisions, since I see the pain they
cause. But there's not a snowball’s chance in Hell
of doing this completely, since our mistakes are so
constant and problems so complex. Are bad people
decisions necessary to the human condition? One
might ask the same about traffic accidents caused by
our sub-par driving skills. We take Driver’s
Education to improve our chances of survival on the
road. Why not also train ourselves to make good
relationship decisions?
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What can SRD really show us about people?
Some or all of what we need to know. For example, we
may be able to determine a person's probable
trustworthiness and honesty, psychological
intactness, ability to give and take and love. We
can also discover things about their style and way
of doing things, and therefore their compatibility
with us around particular issues.
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Does SRD really work?
Occasionally, the person cannot be understood in
depth: their personality is for one reason or
another impossible to discover, and no good data in
any relevant area is available. The target question
goes unanswered, and the decision path remains
unclear. However, this is very rare. Most of the
time either we understand the answer immediately, or
get to it with some study. Even if temporarily we
come up empty, we “know that we don’t know” and will
therefore use due caution until we do..
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Can I learn it? Can I do it on my own?
Of course you can learn it. You've already been
learning it on your own, through everyday
experience, but probably in a somewhat incoherent
way. The SRD program provides technique and
direction. The recognition of the four elements that
go into smart relationship decisions is itself very
important, as it clarifies what to look for in order
to see the issues clearly and in depth. Then you can
go on to work either on your own, or with further
guidance. The only other requirements are desire and
persistence.
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What skills do I need to make smart relationship
decisions? Do I need to be a good judge of
character? A good communicator?
You need nothing except a true wish to learn. The
SRD approach is as applicable to the person with no
inclination toward others as it is to the practiced
person with innate ability. Judgment is something we
develop with practice. Knowledge of how others are
“put together” is something we learn. The same is
true of the other SRD tools. The only thing that
stops people from succeeding is their own
frustration, embarrassment, or disinclination to
learn. Experience has shown that if people stick
with it, they achieve a great deal, no matter from
what point they began.
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Don't we make smart relationship decisions
naturally?
We try, but . . . . As with other important things
in life, like sex and parenting, we’re given the
desire but not the skills! With enough time and the
opportunity to make mistakes we would learn to make
smart relationship decisions by trial and error.
However, the damage would be done! In fact, this is
the way we usually do it. With SRD study, we can
train ourselves to become far more efficient, far
more quickly, and make far fewer mistakes. The
advantage is enormous.
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Why do people make the same bad relationship choices
again and again?
Usually there's logic to these choices, but we're
unaware of it, and it takes some time and work to
understand what's going on. The cause is often
psychological: we're replaying some tendency,
pattern, or emotionally disturbing event from years
ago. The orthodox view is that we need to explore
the causes of this “replay “ in some detail. In the
tougher cases this may be true. However, for many
people, just being aware of their vulnerability to
certain situations and with certain kinds of people
is enough. This is why the Blind Spot Test on this
site can be so useful: forewarned is forearmed. The
other elements of the SRD program can also help us
see into our particular darkness, but only real
insight into the pattern itself can keep us from
repeating the bad choice.
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How is an SRD consult different from a psychological
consult?
A psychological consult is focused on the client's
emotional life. By contrast, an SRD consult is
centered on understanding that other person, with
whom the client is concerned. The client's emotional
life is not necessarily the focus. Also, various
approaches besides psychological ones are often
used. The client's psychological Issues may be
brought to bear on the problem, but only to the end
of making a good decision about the subject, and
implementing it.
For the specifics of how we do consults, please see
the Services section of
this website.
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Have you discovered some magical approach that makes
understanding people effortless and quick?
Hardly! Our assessments may sometimes look “easy”,
but there's certainly no magic. Fortune favors the
prepared mind. Sometimes we may quickly see what a
person is made of, what motivates him, or what he is
likely to do; and that is all we need. At other
times we may need large amounts of background data,
and only be able to answer our target question
tentatively, and say what is likely. An analogy
would be to the reading of medical MRIs: often, the
problem can be seen immediately. In other cases
further study is required. With enough work, we may
be able to understand someone well enough to “read”
them in real time, as do long-time partners in work
or marriage. It may look like magic, but it's really
the product of focused observation and experience!
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Is the SRD program based on science?
SRD takes the best and most relevant knowledge of
human personality, “people reading” and other
skills, and combines them in practical and unique
ways. SRD is an approach, and is no more or less
accurate than the best approaches to understanding
others. Some people believe that anything beyond
“hard” science is nonsense. That said, these
disciplines have existed, and been refined, for at
least 150 years. Personality study has yielded very
valuable insights. “People reading” has existed at
least since Darwin, and the last 25 years has seen a
burst of science-based activity, which has yielded
practical techniques for assessment. But all these
are far from enough! Smart relationship decisions
are about which tools are relevant to a specific,
real-life problem, and when and how to use them.
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Isn't this kind of study a form of voyeurism? Aren't
we intruding on others?
It is no more intrusive to use the SRD tools than it
is to continue our casual, ad hoc attempts to
understand people. Most of us are extremely
interested in others, and often focus on a
particular person, without their awareness. Assuming
the questioner does nothing illegal, no harm is
done. SRD merely lets us gather relevant data in
more targeted and relevant ways, to actually help
ourselves, rather than continue to stumble in the
dark. The subject’s personal boundaries are never
crossed. Some students of SRD are shy, and may feel
vaguely guilty as they become more forthright. These
feelings soon pass.
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