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The Case:
Amanda, the Runaway Bride |
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It was the stuff of TV drama! A beautiful blonde
bursts into my office, plunks herself down and
says, “Please help me, I'm deathly afraid I'll
become a runaway bride! My shrink just sits
there, and I need help
right now.” |
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The Players
Amanda, 29, a vivacious and accomplished
actress
Joe, a 41 year-old Hollywood film producer
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The Problem
Amanda had done it all: musicals, television,
drama; leading roles and character parts;
off-Broadway, road companies, once even Broadway
itself. Now she was seriously involved with Joe.
It was the reverse of the usual scenario: he
wanted to marry her and start a family, but her
feet were getting colder by the minute.
Amanda denied any life events that would account
for her inordinate fear. Biographies and
pictures (a large shopping bag full, presented
with a flourish) from both of their lives
yielded little. As for Joe, there were equal
chances he was a good man or a serial
monogamist. She met for a drink with several
people who knew him well, and asked them about
him, point blank. Even they couldn't help.
There was nothing in either of their backgrounds
to account for the turmoil. Either I couldn't
find the answer, or it lay elsewhere. |
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The Smart Relationship Insight
Then I had an idea. Using a guided imagery
technique, I asked Amanda to recall the first
few seconds she had laid eyes on Joe. What had
she seen and felt? Suddenly the floodgates
opened. The expression on the face she saw in
the first three seconds was not Joe’s. It
belonged to her real father, who had been killed
in a terrible accident three months before
Amanda was born. But why hadn't she given me
this information? She was quiet, and a distant
look came to her eyes. “Mother said, ‘Not
important, never happened.’ Not important, never
happened.’ ” She rocked in her chair, cried and
rocked and said these words over and over, for a
full hour. Then she fell asleep.
We met again the next day, and she spelled it
out. After the trauma of this loss, her mother
had told Amanda, as a toddler a few years later,
that her father’s death was ok, because he
was in heaven, and so it was like it had never
happened. She should just forget about it.
In effect, Amanda had been given a kind of
post-hypnotic suggestion. But this didn't mean
the past didn't catch up with her. She was
“deathly” afraid Joe would disappear, as her
first man, her father, had. |
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Outcome
I referred Amanda back to her therapist. An email
from her several months later told me she’d
worked hard on this key issue. She recently
visited me again, to take a fresh look at Joe,
and together we've understood much more about
him. They may soon marry.
You never know where smart relationship decision making will take you! |
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