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The Case: Nancy's
Boyfriend |
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Nancy wanted help: here she was in another
relationship, and making a mess of it! Were her
old neurotic patterns again getting in the way?
Something very big was going on, we soon found
out, but not what she ever could have imagined. . . . |
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The Players
Nancy, 35, a fast-talking, twice married, blonde
New Yorker, an account executive in a boutique
advertising agency.
Mark, 42, an affable, handsome life
insurance salesman, usually dressed impeccably and always able to put others at ease.. |
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The Problem
Nancy had been dating Mark for about 6 months. She
was head over heels, certain he would rescue her
from the loneliness of her life following her
divorce the year before. After six months of incredible sex and romance, punctuated by Mark's affirming his eternal love and devotion, the flames began flickering and soon became faded embers. |
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The Smart Relationship Insight
Nancy was correct in saying she was a neurotic
woman, but the more we heard, the less we thought
she was the problem. She seemed to be doing many
things right. So why had the relationship gone down hill so
quickly? With much hesitation, Nancy told me that
she had begun to have doubts about Mark just after she had lent him some money to start a new
business. He became less affectionate and attentive, and parried her attempts at intimacy. At first she worried that lending Mark the money made him feel weak and less of a man. Her suspicions about his motives grew, however, when he began pressing her for even more money to grow the business.
We needed to figure out what was going on this guy's head, and whether he was on the level. The first step was to gather data by using paid information services, which unfortunately yielded nothing of concern. Mark didn't even have a parking ticket! Even so, he just didn't pass the "smell" test. A more sophisticated (and more expensive) background check uncovered the rat. Mark had played this same "help-me-start-my-business game" with
several other women, mostly in Canada and England,
gaining over two million dollars for his trouble. |
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Outcome
Nancy obtained a
judgment against Mark for the money she gave him,
but it's unlikely she'll ever collect; according to his lawyer, he's broke and his whereabouts are
unknown. Looking back, Nancy acknowledges that it could have been far worse. Mark took her for more than a hundred thousand dollars, and if the relationship had continued, he might well have siphoned off the rest of her substantial divorce settlement. Sometimes the understanding of our blind spots come at a big price. At least for Nancy, that blind spot won't put her at risk again.
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