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The Case: Jason
the Lab Rat |
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Jason fairly
vibrated with desire, night and day. When would
he see Vicky next? When would he touch her, hold
her, get to live in her light again? |
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The Players
Jason, a 26 year-old IT professional
Vicky, a 24 year old technical writer. |
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The Problem
Vicky was so attractive and sexy that Jason was
constantly turned on. He was immensely drawn to
her, yet the relationship wasn't working. The
rest of his life was fine, but the inability to
discover the problem’s source was making Jason
bewildered, anxious, and depressed. |
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The Smart Relatioship Insight
The answer turned out to involve not Jason’s
psychology per se, but the specifics of
how Vicky was treating him.
Initial discussion yielded nothing. Jason and
Vicky came from similar backgrounds and had much
in common. But as I asked about the details of
their relationship, the answer revealed itself.
For reasons that remain unclear to this day,
Vicky had been manipulating Jason to constantly
accept and be ready for her, while remaining
only sporadically available to him, both
emotionally and sexually. She did this
unpredictably, on a schedule so confusing that
Jason never knew where he stood. He realized
that their best times were when they were having
wonderful restaurant meals, during which their
shared cultural past was invoked.
Pictures of Vicky were oddly at variance with
Jason’s initial description. Video clips showed
her in constant motion, and obvious discomfort
with herself. She was an attractive but guarded
individual whose smile seemed forced and whose
body posture said “keep away.” No wonder
restaurants worked for her; the table made a
perfect barrier!
We told Jason that he was being manipulated
like a rat in a behavioral science lab!
Vicky’s actions were not just confused; they
were calculated, by virtue of the reward system
she imposed, to keep him coming back no matter
how she behaved. He was no different from any
animal whose behavior is easily controlled by
schedules of reinforcement.
Jason did not take this feedback well; in fact,
he stormed out of the room, angry that I was
attacking the love of his life. But two weeks
later I got a call from him. A few days after
our meeting, he had awakened with
the sudden, startling realization that my
understanding of Vicky’s behavior was correct.
He got dressed, went to her apartment, collected
his belongings, wrote her a note that their
relationship was over, and left the key. |
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Outcome
A year later Jason called to bring me up to date.
He had figured out why he had gotten involved
with Vicky. It had to do with an aunt who had
acted seductively toward him when he was a young
teenager. He had been playing out that same
scenario with Vicky! Freed of his blind spot, he
had a new girlfriend with whom he had a much
more mutually rewarding relationship, and was
doing just fine, thank you! |
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