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The Case: Just the Facts |
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John came into my office and cut right to the chase: " I want answers, not psychotherapy—I need to know if the woman I'm dating is a 'keeper.' Here was an extremely goal-oriented man who wanted to solve "point-at-able” problems, not introspect. This would be an interesting challenge. . . . |
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The Players
John, a 43-year-old computer engineer with a long history of poor relationships. He'd never had a girlfriend for more than three dates, as he soon found them lacking.
Marguerite, a 37-year-old computer technical writer at John’s company. She was physically unattractive, but very warm and giving to those around her. She had had few meaningful relationships before John, and had lived at home until she was 31.
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The Problem
John had a long history of dating cold, difficult women. He'd been going out with Marguerite for 18 months, and thought that maybe he'd finally found the right person. The "one." But John mistrusted himself. Maybe Marguerite was like all the others and would turn icy on him after the "bloom” wore off and she decided that he seemed too disconnected. John wanted me to help him find out if Marguerite would accept him for the long haul. Marguerite was different from the others, all right. She seemed warm and loving. But she also came with a long list of bodily and medical problems that confused John even while her loving nature attracted him. |
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The Smart Relationship Insight
I sensed that any initial attempt to help John understand the dynamics of his relationship with Marguerite would cause him to shut down or run away. Like Sergeant Friday, all he wanted was "the facts." So that’s what I gave him, by conducting a "secondary read” of Marguerite with him. This entailed him relaying Marguerite’s understanding of what the important men in her life were like, and how they behaved. During several sessions, I interviewed John about Marguerite in depth, and asked him to speak with others who had known her. John not only provided the answers, but in many cases showed me supporting letters, emails, photographs, and videos of Marguerite and the people close to her over the course of her life.
Our "remote profile" led us to conclude that Marguerite was used to people with highly technical professions and a "laid back style."
Her father and brother were cut from the same cloth, making John highly appealing. We concluded that the chances of her turning cold on John were small, and it seemed safe for him to continue the relationship.
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Outcome
So John and Marguerite seemed right for each other, emotionally. The only fly in the ointment was Marguerite’s tendency to complain about her illnesses, real and possibly imaginary. John had no experience with people who continually focused their energies on aches, pains, headaches, sleep problems, and the like. What he needed was coaching on how to handle Marguerite’s complaints without becoming angry or making Marguerite feel abandoned. I taught him how to respect her perceived problems and offer support, but not feel like he had to solve them (a natural tendency for an engineer) or spending inordinate amounts of time hearing about them. In the course of learning to be empathic, John learned quite a bit about himself—which surprised both of us.
Today, John and Marguerite are happily married and have two delightful children. Over the last several years John has come in for occasional “de-bugging sessions” (his phrase). He has markedly increased his ability to understand his wife. While he’s never acknowledged also getting something for himself, he has in fact relaxed and become much more willing to put himself in the family picture. We'll let that sleeping dog lie.
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