10 things to do when you've been deceived Immediately: 1. Ask if the deception amounts to a total deal killer? Does it mean you absolutely want nothing to do with this person ever again? If the answer is yes, take no action and sit with it for at least a few days, as long as you're not in physical or financial danger. You need perspective! 2. If you ARE in physical or financial danger, take immediate action (leave premises, contact police, lawyer, etc.) 3. Find someone to share your feelings with about what's happened. Medium term: 4. Find someone to talk to about what this event means. This may not be the same person as in #2. It should be the person most savvy about psychology, strategy and tactics of human relationships. 5. Assess how chronic the particular behavior (e.g. sexual transgression) is. If the person feels guilty and seems to realize the error of his or her ways, it's a good start, but far from definitive. Will he or she “walk the talk”? 6. Establish the “locus of the lie.” Assess if deception is limited to that particular behavior or is part of a wide-ranging pattern of deception (the person lies about everything, lying perhaps basic to his personality and way of operating). 7. If the latter, establish via research (see the smart relationship decision factors) and conversation with your informal strategist or a professional, whether change is genuinely possible or just a dream. If the former, attempt to engage the person in a plan; if the latter, consider getting out. 8. See if the person wants to change his or her ways. If not, or if the words say “yes” but the short-term behaviors say “no”, ask yourself if this is something you can live with over time. If not, consider getting out. Longer term: 9. Take stock of yourself! If person is a chronic deceiver, ask yourself why from a psychological point of view you got involved with such a person. Try to find the personal blind spot that allowed you to be taken in. Don't stop till you find out, or it may well happen again! 10. If you realize you “should” get out, but you find yourself not doing so, ask yourself “why?” If there is no objective reason (e.g. support for a young child, chronic illness) seek professional help. If there is, make a plan to remove that reality problem that standards between you and your freedom!   if you would like a detailed list of cues and clues regarding deception in relationships. You can also ask Dr. P. a question about particular people in your life who concern you.